Rule #1: Always tell your superior officer what you are doing. Our new captain values initiative but doesn’t want you to blow up the ship while she’s sleeping.

Rule #2: Never, ever get in the way of the greenskin. She will plow through you without a second thought.

Rule #3: Ensign Jennifer Kras is a refugee from Earth’s 21st century. By our standards, she is uneducated. She is not stupid; don’t assume that. Ever.

Rule #4: If Ensign Kras is staring intently at something, get your phasers ready. It usually means she’s about to find something trying to kill us or will lead us to something that will try and kill us.

Rule #4A: If Ensign Kras’s eyes are a swirling blue when she’s staring intently at something, find the nearest Bajoran and smack him or her upside the head. It won’t solve the immediate problem, but it is cathartic.

Rule #4B: Unknown at this time, but Captain Kras alluded to it in conjunction with using a chroniton generator to “reset her gray matter to when it’s supposed to be.”

Rule #5: The amphibian is always right.

Rule #6: Be aware that at any time our first officer can and will rearrange these rules and you will never realize that she did. Also, if she invites you to an airlock picnic, it was nice knowing you.

Rule #7: No titty punching during red alert. (This one came from Alexandria and Jen Kras. According to Captain Kras, this will become a Zen koan on Earth by the order of the 23rd Dalai Lama.)

Rule #8: Don’t ever attempt to take the combadge from the Romulan; she will rip off your arms and beat you to death with the wet ends. (This rule was also supplied by Captain Jennifer Kras. However, after seeing Alexandria do exactly that during the Klingon attack, Shan’taar concluded that he would have made that rule.)

Rule #9: Once again alluded to by Captain Kras, this one refers to Fal but is unknown at this time.